This post is part of my Depression Diaries series, where I discuss anything and everything in terms of my mental state in order to have a form of release through writing. If the topic of depression or medication is not suitable for you, I have many other posts about my personal life in which depression is not the main topic.

The goal of these kinds of posts is to reach a relatable audience and be transparent as a stranger on the internet. I find that a lot of time spent on social media is me comparing my life to others’, and while I am not a prominent person on the internet whatsoever, I want my presence on the internet to be putting out the kind of posts that I would seek out.

With that being said, I feel like everyone has heard the phrase “healing is not linear”, or some variation of that sentiment. It is easy to believe that and think that about others when they are strugging, but when it comes to myself, it is a hard thing to accept. In my case, I start to feel better and use healthy coping mechanisms, feel good for a week, and get on a high of those emotions. “I am finally healing!” I think, and I want to celebrate that.

That’s where it starts to go downhill. I get on that high of feeling better for one day and think I can do anything, even actions which sabotage my progress, because I felt better for a few days. Recently I had an event in which I realized that I need more help than I originally thought, because I had been addressing the surface level issues instead of working through the deep rooted REASONS for my mental state.

It has been hard for me to accept that the “linear progress” I was making wasn’t even progress at all, and that I was more than a couple steps behind where I thought that I was. Feeling better without changing actions or mindset is not progress!

I have been looking for a new therapist close to home. I moved out of my dorm of two years on the 3rd of May and made my way back home for the summer. Since summer is my favorite season out of them all (with fall being a close second), I’m hoping that my mental health and overall happiness improves.

The truth is, you can’t just say “I’m healed from past trauma and current mental battles because I say so!”, while some may say that’s just what they did, it takes work and a lot of self reflection and redirection in order to curve those trauma responses. I make at least one mistake a month in which I have to address the changes I need to make in the future. It feels like a never ending list. How to respond calmly to what I perceive as verbal attacks on my character, how to deal with rejection over and over in trying to make friendships, and how to just let myself be loved.

Why is that so hard for me?

I have been watching a lot of “self help” videos on YouTube, and I have really connected with a sentiment that occurs over and over again across videos that I’ve watched, which is:

As bad as we feel, we become comfortable in the misery. Why? Because we know how to handle it!

When things are going good and we are feeling happy, something deep inside says “this is too good to be true”, we get scared thinking about when something bad is going to happen that is out of our control. We want to control when bad things happen, so we get stuck in self-sabotaging cycles. I say ‘we’ because I know I am not the only person who struggles with these internal issues. No one is alone, I remind myself over and over again that I am not the worst case, and I am not the only one struggling. That has really helped me to try and think positive things about myself.

In the month of June, I have been working really hard to replace my deprecating thoughts with affirmations, and the more I redirect and affirm myself, I realize how I’ve let myself be treated by others. I have been letting people treat me in a way that I thought I deserved, but how can I grow through my depression and anxiety when I am letting others project their battles onto me? All of this mental work is a lot more tiring than I thought it would be, I figured happy people had an easy time staying happy, but it is a mental workout to… actually think! though things in an emotionally mature way! How crazy of a concept is that? I know, but all of this is new for me.

The fact that I am mentally tired is a small sign of success for me, because I feel as if I am trying more than I ever have. I know there will be more bumps before I get to where I want to be, but with work, I am hopeful that the bumps will increasingly get smaller and I will have the tools to work though them in healthy ways.

I have written this post over the past 2 months, so a lot of changes have happened in my perspectives on this topic. The biggest change I have noticed as I proof read is the new presence of hope.

Things will get better! Thanks all for reading and supporting me as always.