At the end of every academic year since I was in 8th grade, I log into FutureMe.org and write a letter that will be emailed to me a year later. Sometimes they are well written, insightful reflections and are concerned for my future self, and at other times they are just silly. I welcome all the letters and even though I anticipate them, I always forget what I wrote the year before.

It has always been a source of comfort for me to look forward to these letters and actually take time to think about myself in the future while reflecting on where I was when I wrote the letter in the past.

Before the email from 2023 arrives, I’d like to reflect on the past year with the letter I wrote to myself in 2022. Here it is:

Dear Future Me,

I am currently waiting impatiently for my letter to arrive and you may have forgotten about this email thing we do around here but I thought I would send you a little pick me up while I wait.

It is almost the end of my first year at college and I hope that by the end of the second year, when you are getting this, it will have gone a little smoother. Harder, no doubt, but perhaps less in a constant state of survival mode from your roommate? I hope things turned out okay for my sake at least.

You know how it went and I hope that by this time next year the pain and suffering will be less in the forefront of your noggin. Unless a new pain is at the forefront, and in which case what the fuck did you doooooo???? but also I’m sorry. Cause I know how that feels. unless this is an entirely new circumstance and then in that case think about me and how I don’t know about it yet.

Settle in the innocence of the mind who wrote this letter to you, who just wants a letter to be sent to them sooner rather than later cause she is procrastinating her biology lab report. How was fall semester biology anyway? Are you taking physics? I know its happening. It’s ok to cry. I’ll leave this letter here so I have more to talk about in the next one, sorry for assuming you’re going through a rough time, and if you are having a great time then I am jealous and also looking forward to it. Unless, unless. But what is life without hope, right? ‘:)
oke byee

April 18, 2022

My sophomore year of college started with yet another less than ideal roommate, however I was able to snag a single room and that greatly decreased my anxiety and actually made me feel like I had my own space and my own sense of control. Academics were the least of my stresses when I constantly felt a sense of fight or flight without having a place to feel safe.

In response to the question of what I did to have a new pain, depression, at the forefront, I don’t think I did anything. I was participating in clubs heavily, particularly Vegan Club which I was treasurer for. I am not sure what happened, but slowly it became harder to feel motivated or have a sense of purpose in anything I was doing, whether it be working towards my degree or doing things that bring me joy such as my passion in snail mail and watercolor. I believed that I was trying to keep my head above water but the air was running out.

I was right for assuming I was having a rough time, however if I could go back in time and tell my past self exactly what has happened since I sent that email I think I would be put into a coma. I have had some highs and some lows but at all points I was just trying to find myself and failing.

I started vlogging to try and find comfort in myself and physically see that I am capable of achieving the small things I wasn’t able to do in September 2023. I would lay in bed and feel like I would fail no matter what, and that turned into feeling like nothing mattered, that I wasn’t of value, and that I was just taking up space that belonged to someone else.

I wish I could tell myself that good things are temporary but that doesn’t mean that each good thing is gone forever. There will always be another time when there’s a good period of time, and it is sad when you don’t realize you are in a good time until you have hit another low.

However, there is also an important lesson in recognizing when we think things are going good just because they were slightly better than before, when in reality it was just another form of bad. It is so easy to latch onto anything positive in this state but it is important to keep your head and analyze every situation based off of how it is serving you and take a step back and see how people are treating you. After doing this, you must decide what your future could look like if you continue, and make a final decision to stay or to step away. In this decision you must take into full account what a week looks like with this group of people, are the key moments good or are they filled with shame or regret? Think about a day with this group, how do they talk to you? These are vital in determining if you are going to get hurt at the end of a situation’s lifespan.

If I could tell myself this I feel as if I would still make the same mistakes, because I fear that I wouldn’t be able to differentiate what situations my future self was trying to warn me about until it was too late. Would you tell your past self specific situations to avoid, or would you act as an oracle and give a vague fate?

At the end of the day, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those experiences whether I like it or not, and even if I avoided the negative experiences who is to say I wouldn’t experience something equally damaging instead?