Katelyn

Can There Be Motivation Without Purpose?

Here is a draft I wrote back in February, and while I will not finish it, I think that is important to shed light on mental health and at least provide an update on how I have been doing these past months that I have not given you all a life update.

My Sophomore year of college has been really tough for me so far. From being re diagnosed with anxiety and freshly diagnosed with depression, and with grades that seem to stay stuck no matter how much effort I put into my studies, it is really hard to stay motivated.

I think my issue is that with depression, it is hard to see a future. It is difficult to imagine myself in the future while thinking that I don’t have one, that everything is pointless and that I’m never going to reach my goals.

Photo by Simon Berger on Pexels.com

Studying really hard for an exam and getting a grade that makes you doubt everything you thought you knew of the material sucks the first time, but as it happens continuously you begin to wonder what is wrong with you.

Should I just give up? Am I not smart enough? What little accomplishments I have made are stipend by my numerous failures.

Because of this mindset, I have been getting mental fatigue more than ever. Why should I be motivated and focused if I’m not going to get an A anyway? I’m never going to measure up so why exhaust myself with hours of studying, practicing problems, and reading 70 pages of a book for a paragraph of a discussion post?

But no matter how much I want to give up, this is my only option. College is all I have, and without it I don’t know what I would do, where I would go. But at the same time, I don’t know what career I want after graduating, or what niche I fall into when it comes to environmental science.

I just feel like I am getting worn down every time I try, and fail. Over and over. I’ve tried flash cards, Quizlet, reading the textbook, meeting during office hours and I’m just stupid. Plain and simple.

5 comments

  1. “It is difficult to imagine myself in the future while thinking that I don’t have one, that everything is pointless and that I’m never going to reach my goals.”

    I’ve always had problems thinking of the future or setting goals. It usually irritated the managers where I have worked as they needed me to do both for the yearly reviews. My preferred approach, instead of setting a goal of something like “learning XYZ this year”, would have been to find something I found interesting during the year and learn it. I would still have achieved something worthwhile at year-end but it would never have been a goal.
    In the past I’ve likened my life to being a leaf on the river. I’m apparently heading somewhere and the wind, currents, river banks, and flotsam all change how I get there.

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  2. Thanks for sharing your experience with mental health and motivation. I was diagnosed with ADD my senior year of undergrad – Been on an epic journey of discovery every since. And you will too! You will learn things about how to improve your health and motivation. Great you are going to Dance class btw!.. It takes freedom and space to learn though, which is hard to find amidst the endless rush of tests, term papers, review questions, homework, etc. You will get it though. One last thing for now (before I write one a novel lol)… America for young people has only gotten harder in recent decades. Don’t beat yourself up over failures, whatever they may be. Keep perspective that you are facing challenges and hardships that previous generations did not have to face. Keep going!

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